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Thursday, 3 November 2011

The uncontrolled controlled

Personal, introspective blathering...
This blog is becoming a half-hearted diary, a boat without any sails at the moment. But it's the hill into which I thrust my flags of victory, despair, and other random miscellaneous thoughts when they happen to come.  And I've learnt that things can just... happen, they're uncontrollable, unforeseeable! 

Yesterday everything changed.

I knew the change on the horizon I predicted a few weeks ago would come to pass (ultimate albino Oracle).
And I'm still thinking about you.  Almost feverishly.

To change directions... the insight or revelation is simple.  Some people struggle with their emotional sides, repressing feeling, running away from them, ignoring them, to avoid pain.  I'm intensely conscious at the moment on my own personal journey and I've realised that I don't actually know how to be happy.  I don't actually know how to deal with true, deep happiness.  Some people deal with emotional repression, mine is happiness repression.  I'm not skilled at feeling happy.   I came home with my senses burning, feeling alive and love pouring from every inch of my heart, mind and body and then listened to the following song on repeat ..

What is the attraction in such a song?  Why was it played during the most dizzily euphoric feelings of happiness I've experienced ever? It's one of the most depressing songs I've ever heard about a man with a mental illness struggling with a cocaine addiction.  Why the heck would I think to play such a perversely  inappropriate song at such a beautiful, happy time?  I don't know how to deal with happiness?  I had never noticed this before.  This sudden awareness came after reflection on the happiness I felt during the day and the anxiety and uncertainty of feeling so happy lurking in the shadows of my mind. I think it comes down to this: I'm scared of letting go of fear and unhappiness.  It's become a blanket to me.  It has become me, like another mutant limb.  My very demon is my blessing, a paradox, a contradiction, how can my anxiety and depression provide me with security?  Very rarely do I let go of all anxiety and unhappiness and experience complete, unadulterated joy, and it was in those minutes of silence, serenity and solitude...        

We're all so insignificant at the end of the day, like little ants, tiny cars crawling across the freeway, so frail but so powerful at the same time.  It's hilarious! : )

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